I've been working on this piece for a few weeks but as I post this, multiple people have been shot at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh. It has been reported that the shooter shouted violent anti-Semitic comments as he shot people. My thoughts go out to the victims, their families, and anyone who is overwhelmed from being triggered by the trauma of this mass shooting. Gun violence on its own is upsetting, but this trauma is multi-faceted in that it's fueled by white supremacy that has flourished under this administration. Today I am frozen to my computer following the news, paralyzed with anger that policymakers are in a position to protect its marginalized citizens and choose not to. Worst of all, their denial that change needs to happen conveys the message "we will not protect you because we don't believe you." I do, and I'm so sorry for the helplessness and fear that is spreading globally. Humiliation is not necessary to deserve compassion and love, but regardless, I wish both for everyone as we try to cope from another attack fueled by hate. For those of you who still wish to celebrate Humiliation Day, perhaps as a momentary distraction or a passion for this lifestyle, I hope you'll enjoy my thoughts on how Humiliation in kink play can provide a corrective emotional experience.
Perfection. Intellectually,
most people know it is impossible to achieve. Yet, we strive to reach
perfection in our lives. Knowing the right way to behave, spending time
to remove flaws in our appearance,
choosing
the best answer so that our best selves can be accepted. We work so hard
to present our best sense of self, that it is affirming when it is acknowledged, either in a job evaluation, grades, or a compliment.
Anything less and we seem to beat ourselves
up for daring not to be perfect.
Perhaps it's not perfection, but the consequences of imperfection that keep us trapped in the rigid standards of perfection.
As I write this I am in my third year in my doctoral program in
psychology. Every day I step into the classroom
as a student, teacher, or clinician, I am under constant evaluation.
Have I dressed appropriately? Was I concise and accurate in
demonstrating that I understand this week's readings? Do I deserve to be
in grad school or am I not cut out? These questions are
pervasive for anyone in graduate school and reach a toxic level without
compassion and grace from faculty. An incorrect use of terminology, an
untucked shirt, showing up five minutes late, can send me down an
obsessive, masochistic path of being angry that
I didn't "catch" that one mistake. With perfection, there is rarely any
grace.
What I have learned these past
three years is that no matter how much academia promotes the idea of
self-care and that mistakes are part of learning, the shame we feel from faculty when we make mistakes is almost paralyzing.
Perhaps this is why many of my stories of stories of embarrassment and exposure take place in academic settings.
The stakes are high in academia, particularly in science. I remember
one faculty telling me they debated making an offer to a student
because they weren't sure if three earrings on one ear was "too much."
With this much scrutiny, imagine then, what might happen if three
earrings was instead, a skirt raised high enough to expose a stocking-clad leg? An unzipped pair of khakis? A
teacher kneeling down to pick up their pencil, exposing the back of
their thong? These moments might be trivial in any other setting, but in
academia, they can be scandalous.
If Academia is about perfection, then embarrassment, humiliation, and even degradation (thank you Princess Kali for describing each) is about challenging perfection, tearing it off the
smug body of academia to reveal its flaws, its hypocrisy,
its shame. I love writing about professors, people with power and
influence over vulnerable students, and how they lose their power via
exposure. The embarrassment, shows that they are human. That no matter
if you're tenured or not, stripped naked, on your knees, bent over one's lap, tied up, you are human like all of
us. You are allowed to be imperfect. Most importantly, you are worthy of love. I once had a therapist who said we
rarely give empathy to embarrassment. I know personally for myself that
has been the case when I've
made social faux pas on dates or at parties. Humiliation in kink challenges the notion that shame means we are unworthy of love. Shame is something we try to keep secret and when we are accepted for what we feel embarrassed by, the corrective emotional experience can be powerful.
So when I sit down and
write a story about a newly hired professor who happens to get caught in
her spanx by her ex, I can enjoy the humor and sexiness of
stripping away perfection and replacing it with compassion. If you
decide celebrate your humiliation today with someone you love, either by giving or receiving, think about where compassion and grace lies in your play and take it with you after some good aftercare.
Happy humiliation day.
J.C. Parker
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