Humiliation Day 2018 - Perfection

I've been working on this piece for a few weeks but as I post this,  multiple people have been shot at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh. It has been reported that the shooter shouted violent anti-Semitic comments as he shot people. My thoughts go out to the victims, their families, and anyone who is overwhelmed from being triggered by the trauma of this mass shooting. Gun violence on its own is upsetting, but this trauma is multi-faceted in that it's fueled by white supremacy that has flourished under this administration. Today I am frozen to my computer following the news, paralyzed with anger that policymakers are in a position to protect its marginalized citizens and choose not to. Worst of all, their denial that change needs to happen conveys the message "we will not protect you because we don't believe you." I do, and I'm so sorry for the helplessness and fear that is spreading globally. Humiliation is not necessary to deserve compassion and love, but regardless, I wish both for everyone as we try to cope from another attack fueled by hate. For those of you who still wish to celebrate Humiliation Day, perhaps as a momentary distraction or a passion for this lifestyle, I hope you'll enjoy my thoughts on how Humiliation in kink play can provide a corrective emotional experience.

Perfection. Intellectually, most people know it is impossible to achieve. Yet, we strive to reach perfection in our lives. Knowing the right way to behave, spending time to remove flaws in our appearance, choosing the best answer so that our best selves can be accepted. We work so hard to present our best sense of self, that it is affirming when it is acknowledged, either in a job evaluation, grades, or a compliment. Anything less and we seem to beat ourselves up for daring not to be perfect. 

Perhaps it's not perfection, but the consequences of imperfection that keep us trapped in the rigid standards of perfection. As I write this I am in my third year in my doctoral program in psychology. Every day I step into the classroom as a student, teacher, or clinician, I am under constant evaluation. Have I dressed appropriately? Was I concise and accurate in demonstrating that I understand this week's readings? Do I deserve to be in grad school or am I not cut out? These questions are pervasive for anyone in graduate school and reach a toxic level without compassion and grace from faculty. An incorrect use of terminology, an untucked shirt, showing up five minutes late, can send me down an obsessive, masochistic path of being angry that I didn't "catch" that one mistake. With perfection, there is rarely any grace. 

What I have learned these past three years is that no matter how much academia promotes the idea of self-care and that mistakes are part of learning, the shame we feel from faculty when we make mistakes is almost paralyzing. Perhaps this is why many of my stories of stories of embarrassment and exposure take place in academic settings. The stakes are high in academia, particularly in science. I remember one faculty telling me they debated making an offer to a student because they weren't sure if three earrings on one ear was "too much." With this much scrutiny, imagine then, what might happen if three earrings was instead, a skirt raised high enough to expose a stocking-clad leg? An unzipped pair of khakis? A teacher kneeling down to pick up their pencil, exposing the back of their thong? These moments might be trivial in any other setting, but in academia, they can be scandalous. 

If Academia is about perfection, then embarrassment, humiliation, and even degradation (thank you Princess Kali for describing each) is about challenging perfection, tearing it off the smug body of academia to reveal its flaws, its hypocrisy, its shame. I love writing about professors, people with power and influence over vulnerable students, and how they lose their power via exposure. The embarrassment, shows that they are human. That no matter if you're tenured or not, stripped naked, on your knees, bent over one's lap, tied up, you are human like all of us. You are allowed to be imperfect. Most importantly, you are worthy of love. I once had a therapist who said we rarely give empathy to embarrassment. I know personally for myself that has been the case when I've made social faux pas on dates or at parties. Humiliation in kink challenges the notion that shame means we are unworthy of love. Shame is something we try to keep secret and when we are accepted for what we feel embarrassed by, the corrective emotional experience can be powerful.

So when I sit down and write a story about a newly hired professor who happens to get caught in her spanx by her ex, I can enjoy the humor and sexiness of stripping away perfection and replacing it with compassion.  If you decide celebrate your humiliation today with someone you love, either by giving or receiving, think about where compassion and grace lies in your play and take it with you after some good aftercare.

Happy humiliation day. 

J.C. Parker

Immodest Collection Volume 2 sneak peek

I know it's been a long time since I posted, sadly my second and third year of doctoral school has been busier and more emotionally draining than I had anticipated, I'll discuss that a bit more in my other post. Still, I've been slowly chipping away at three new embarrassment stories for the next Immodest Collection anthology. This is a piece I drew for one of them and I thought I'd share a little sneak peek of what I have in store in celebration of #humiliationday. Also, I'm offering a 50% off coupon for the first volume of the Immodest Collection. Use the code VM77G https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/693640 



Noelle held her hands up, “Robin, chill. The dorms have laundromats, I can try to get the stain out before the awards ceremony.” She reached for the dress, only to pause as Robin grabbed the other end. “What are you doing?”

Robin wanted to pull the dress out of Noelle's hands but feared it might rip. “You swear you’ll bring it back?”

“Yes, why wouldn’t I?”

“Do I need to spell it out?” Robin raised an eyebrow at Noelle. “Because I broke up with you.”

Noelle could not hold back her laughter, “Actually, you slept with the 'med school student' and then broke up with me because that was easier instead of talking about it.”

“See? It's comments like that are why I’m a little hesitant to hand over my dress.”

Noelle exhaled, slow but loud, “Robin, I was hurt about our breakup because I cared about you and I still do. That’s why I’m trying to help. I understand you don’t trust me, but I know how hard you've worked to get this job and how important it is for you to make a good impression. Despite my feelings, I do want to help.”

With her eyes closed, Robin squeezed the dress in her hand, taking a deep breath before finally letting go. “Okay, thank you. But I’m serious Noelle, I need it back by 5:30. I can’t go to the ceremony like this."

Noelle threw the dress over her shoulder and grabbed her cleaning cart. “Now that I’d like to see.” She winked and stuck her tongue out. She put her headphones back in and rolled her janitor cart out of Robin’s office. “By the way, you might want to close your blinds.” She shouted before closing the door

Robin turned her head and squealed once she saw the outdoor court from her window. The stony paths were flooded with students leaving class. Robin sprung from her seat and kept an arm over her bra as she brought the drapes down. She groaned as she slumped back into her office chair. She caught a glimpse of the clock on her wall, 3:46. She kept her arms crossed over her chest, wondering if Noelle's comment was meant to be cheeky, or hint that Robin had just gift-wrapped the perfect revenge for her ex-girlfriend.

The Shape of Water Review

Last night I had one of the most powerful experiences in a movie theater that I haven't had in a while. I finally got the chance to see Guillermo del Toro's "The Shape of Water" and there were so many elements in it that made it perhaps my new favorite movie of all time. There might be minor spoilers so if you have not seen the movie do not read further.

The Shape of Water focuses on Elisa Esposito, a mute cleaning woman in the 1960s during the cold war. Elisa lives next door to her friend, Giles, a closeted gay man who works as an artist. Her other friend is Zelda, a black female who works with her at a laboratory and often translates for her when interviewed. Zelda lives an isolated life that is routine until she witnesses a new addition to the laboratory, a sea creature held in captivity under the sadistic Colonel Strickland. Elisa sees the creature while she is cleaning the room and what follows is a budding relationship between Elisa and the Creature.

Since this is an erotica blog, I'll spend sometime talking about how sex is portrayed. While nothing explicit is shown, the sensual way in which they are shot had me shifting in my seat, from the brief shots of Elisa sinking into her bathtub to pleasure herself, to the way she straddles the creature as they embrace. The only hint at sex is when Elisa strips before getting into the bathtub with the creature. But it's the glow in her face, figuratively when she is at work with Zelda and then literally when Guillermo uses sunlight to hit her face when she looks out the window of the bus on her way to work. It's the slow pace of their relationship, the first half hour with Elisa rescuing the creature after numerous montages of her having lunch with it and then there is the time she spends at work covering for the fact that she's hiding it in her apartment. The entire time I felt the frustration in being excited over a new attraction and having to wait. That is why the payoff, seeing Elisa find the courage to share the bathtub with the creature, is magical. We can use our own imagination to imagine what the first naked touch of someone we care for, who cares about us, feels like. The smooth slipping sensation of legs intertwining and the sensation of our hearts racing when we feel their lips on ours. None of this was in the scene but it was just one route my imagination ran down while in the theater. I think my favorite was when Giles walked in on them together. The look Elisa gives him while wrapping her arms around the creature, not shame, not indignity, but defiant and proud lust for finally finding someone. Earlier in the movie, Elisa gives a heart-wrenching explanation to Giles about why rescuing the creature matters, I got choked up watching Sally Hawkins emote while signing how painful being treated as an "other" was and when we see her on cloud nine, it's so intoxicating.

Other things I loved about the movie are the parallels Guillermo drew within the time period during the "Space Race" between Russia and the U.S. and the current political climate. Colonel Strickland plays a determined family man who wants to succeed in completing his job in making sure the creature is properly studied. This ends with them deciding to kill it. The motivation for the U.S. is to hold onto the creature so the Russians won't get it, representing just one aspect of the anxiety and hegemony that the U.S. operates under. Strickland's anxiety gets worse throughout the movie, focusing on "success" and getting more angry as he fights to correct the mistake of losing the creature. With the 1960s, Strickland represents white, Christian patriarchal ideals. His anger towards women who speak against him manifests in physical action, from holding his hand over his wife's mouth to stop her from talking while they have sex, to purposely spilling his water to force Elisa to stay and listen to him imply his desire to rape her. My friend pointed out that the only reason Elisa intrigues him is because she does not have a voice, the only type of woman he would want. What stood out for me was that despite touting himself as a family man, the scenes with Strickland and his family are always cold. His wife and children offer warmth and a desire to engage with him while he remains stoic and focusing on his internal thoughts, completely detached.

In contrast, all of the characters with marginalized identities maintain warm connections with each other, representing the importance of social support for oppressed populations when the dominant culture pushes them aside. Even before the creature is in Elisa's home, each character does some action in support to their friend, sometimes without understanding the full context, and that also adds to the warmth and love that this movie carries. Each character experiences isolation, Zelda I would argue feels this despite being married given that her relationship to her husband is one in which he is dependent on her but not very engaging. This is why their support for each other makes sense when they scramble to help the creature survive as we realize they've had to provide emotional support for each other for years in an overtly oppressive era.

I love watching horror directors move outside of their genre, there's something fascinating about filmmakers cutting their teeth in horror films that makes their later work an absolute joy. Guillermo del Toro is no exception. Shape of Water is a beautiful fantasy romance, using amazing colors to paint a beautiful 1960s setting while holding onto his dark storytelling to portray a unique form of toxic masculinity driven by anxiety. Go out and see The Shape of Water, regardless if you see it alone or with someone you will not be disappointed.

Big Book of Submission Volume 2 mini Review!

Earlier last month I announced my short story "Sing" would be in the Big Book of Submission, Volume 2: 69 Kinky Tales published by Cleis Press.

Once I received my copy I started reading and was not surprised to find  several great stories incorporating embarrassment and humiliation. So, in the spirit of this blog, here is my short review on the embarrassment focused stories. I'd encourage you to take this review as a "sampler" platter to sate your kinky appetite and encourage you to purchase the book yourself to see the diverse perspectives in erotica.

Flagged for Revision by Elna Host

This incorporates a good "dare" punishment when a planned camping trip does not go as one woman would hope. It's not just that the bottom is punished that makes her embarrassment enjoyable, it's the confidence in thinking she wouldn't fail that makes her fall that much more lovely when she is forced to endure the embarrassing punishment she and her partner agreed to. The main character, Edith, literally weathers a storm before being rewarded by her partner. Outdoor camping scenes are not a particular interest of mine which was why Elna Host did a great job in making me understand the allure of the great outdoors.

Grocery Run by Rose. P. Lethe

My preferred way to enjoy embarrassment is through stripping, but I loved this story because of it's use of humiliation without rendering the character nude. The status game that plays out between Top and Bottom comes through phone conversation in a supermarket, reminding me of how lovely an actual conversation on the phone can be versus text. Rose builds tension through the character, Jess', awareness that at any time someone could come down the aisle and catch her in the naughty act her partner Valerie has her engaged in. It makes voyeurism unique in that instead of watching, she's listening to her partner experience embarrassment. It's not just the physical shame, but also the words used to invoke shame on Jess in public. The use of the phone makes the whole situation intimate despite being in a grocery store, perhaps one of my new favorite stories incorporating anal play.

1,000 Words by LN Bey

LN Bey almost breaks the fourth wall by starting her story with a letter that any writer submitting to a publication is familiar with. Embarrassment in this story is not actually present, but it is a lingering threat within the dialogue that makes it real for the character, Ellen. We know exposure will happen and the reaction and horror to that outcome is why I loved it. When she displeases her Dom, her reaction to her punishment is the perfect balance of being horrified without sounding over the top. The tricky part to embarrassed nude female stories is that it's easy to write a character as cartoonish in their reaction to being exposed. For those of us who love the fetish it works, but for others who might not be familiar it can take them out of the story. Kudos to LN Bey for overcoming that challenge and helping me see how to translate a character's embarrassment in perhaps a more realistic manner.

Cari's Recital by Rod Harden

This story in some ways utilizes panty play which is another loved fetish of mine. All of the naughty secrets of this pianist are hidden under her formal "proper" attire for her performance. The embarrassment is subtly referred to due to her discomfort in performing under the conditions her master has set for her. Teasing/orgasm-while-performing is another trope that I love in the embarrassment genre. As a former standup comedian, the audience is always aware of your actions for as long as you are onstage. For Cari, who is forced to stay seated in front of her piano while holding back her arousal, her focus on what the audience did and did not notice in her body language brings a self-consciousness around her humiliation that is another good example of how to use embarrassment without making the person undress.

We Are Magic by Giselle Renarde

While this story does not emphasize embarrassment as much as the others, it incorporates the Time-stop stripping fetish that I don't see in a lot of erotica. I was happy to read this story because it showed me that it is possible to incorporate fantasy, no matter how silly it might seem. Admittedly, maybe this is my own bias that I'm glad to be proven wrong. What I did not expect was for the plot twist that towards the end that made me as a reader second guess the reality that the author set up at the beginning, I truly believed the main character, Nabila's fear in believing the impossible had happened.

Plug Play by Dorothy Freed

This is another story where embarrassment is evoked through a character's first time with anal play. The threat in this story is less about being seen and more about keeping a secret in front of everyone, acting like everything is normal when underneath the clothes, the person is on verge of losing control. When people talk about how kink can spice up a couples' sex life after years of getting "used" to each other, I think this story is a great example of how that can happen. Again, like Cari's Recital, the tension comes from the character holding back her physical responses while in a formal setting where social norms are very clear. As a reader, once I know the social norms of what is expected, I can feel the struggle the character goes through as she sits across the table knowing her dignity is at risk if she should lose control. Personally, I also love that one tidbit about the Top in this story is that he does not drink when playing, a subtle safety practice that I commend the author for giving attention to.

There are so many other good stories in this anthology, my review is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm getting back into the kink scene in my area and what I remember about loving it so much is that kink draws in all people from diverse backgrounds. This anthology does a great job in highlighting different perspectives as to what is sexy.


You can find my story "Sing" and 68 others available in ebook  or paperback form on Amazon. It is helpful to all of us if you give it a review or add it to your Goodreads list here