The following blog was written with Brigit Delaney's #eroticjournalchallenge
https://brigitdelaney.com/2019/09/the-erotic-journal-challenge-october-fears-insecurities/#
FEAR, Insecurity, Anxiety, and Self-Doubt
For some of us, fear holds us back from experiencing life to its limits. For others, fear is a catalyst. Whatever its place in your life, consider how fear, insecurity, anxiety, and self-doubt affect your erotic/sexual existence, either as an individual, a lover, or a writer.
"Has fear been part of your kink?"
Up until this past year, I never thought fear was part of my kink. I always identified embarrassment as it relates to forced stripping my primary kink, assuming embarrassment was a separate emotion from fear. As I have thought more about what emotions my kink taps into, I realize fear has a very potent role in many aspects of my life.
I remember dating someone several years back who would become very anxious to public acts of embarrassment. When I say anxious, even watching someone else do something awkward would make her uncomfortable. She would need to look away or leave the room, just from watching someone else do something embarrassing. Need an example? She mentioned being very anxious watching this: http://www.cc.com/video-clips/
Embarrassment is the surface emotion, but what is so bad about embarrassment?
In my own clinical work, judgement is something I have become very attune to identify. Words like "should" "guilt," and "feel bad" are all tied to shame. Embarrassment, is on the lighter side of this spectrum. We become hypervigilent of the threat of embarrassment. So what is the big deal about being embarrassed? My kink, forced stripping, usually isn't a big deal for someone who is comfortable with their body, and for exhibitionists, it's exciting. It's not the exposure, it's not the fear of exposure, it's the shame. shame underlies fear. and with shame comes judgement towards the self. Any threat to our sense of self is scary, because it taps into our thoughts as to who we are. Fear - Embarrassment - Shame. With exposure, it's not being naked that might be embarrassing, it's exposing what we don't want others to see. We may be comfortable naked in the right light or when our bodies look a certain way, but if there's threat of being seen in an unfavorable way, then we run and hide.
I find humiliation and embarrassment sexy because underlying that is a sense of vulnerability. It strips the individual of their armor that they try to present to the world. It scares us to think that we will not be seen as we wish to be seen. I once spoke with a friend who had no shame in walking around naked in public. When I asked them to imagine walking in public with their pants around their ankles, they said they could never do that, because that would be embarrassing. For them, that image was not how the wanted others to see them. In my field of psychology, social justice is another important aspect of my training. We are challenged to confront our own biases over gender, ability, sexuality, and race. Bring up any of these topics at a dinner party and what do you hear?
"No talking about politics"
"Why does everything have to be about race?"
"let's talk about something else."
What do phrases like these do? They avoid. What's the emotion? Discomfort? Annoyance? Fear...fear of what? Fear of saying something wrong? Fear that something will be misunderstood? Fear of being seen as racist? Again, underlying this fear is embarrassment or shame as being seen as such. From my own personal experience, these are things I have thought, done, or said at one point in my life. I was afraid of saying something wrong, because an anti-racist stance was what mattered to me. To say something wrong would invoke embarrassment, shame, and anger towards myself. These are powerful emotions and why I like kink is because it allows us to tap into emotions we otherwise try to avoid. Enter my short story "Privilege"
Privilege was my attempt at exploring how race, accountability, and silence can be used as a form of embarrassment in the context of kink. I initially wanted to resist writing it and when I identified my own resistance, I knew that was a sign that I needed to write it. Having seen silence in many classrooms used to avoid confrontation over the topic of race, I could see how it is used to protect the ego, protect one from being challenged, to protect one's dignity, often times, White people's dignity. I love the word "dignity", because in a forced stripping context, the loss of dignity usually results in someone being naked and exposed. That's why i am delighted when I discover new ways to apply my kink, especially in contexts that might not seem sexy at all. In the case of "Privilege" it is the topic of critical race theory in the classroom.
As I write this blog I still have fear, because i know what type of reaction the topic of race invokes from people on the internet. But as I celebrate Erotic Humiliation Day, I am happy to share with you all a new story that is perhaps the most personal as it mixes my life experience and my professional work with my passion. When I think more about the fear - embarrassment dynamic, I see so many new doors and possibilities and I can't wait to see where this takes me next.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07ZCKQHL9
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/987115
Happy Erotic Humiliation Day
